Monday, 14 May 2012

Ramblings

I’m not sure where this post is going to go or what I’m even going to say, generally I type my posts into Word so I can re-read, correct, punctuate etc but today I feel like I just need to free flow my thoughts and feelings without restraint or correction, so I don’t know what this post is going to end up saying or if any of it will make sense but I just need to type.

On Thursday I lost my beautiful Conan, a 6yr old Bull Mastiff with a giant heart and a sizemorphic issue (he really thought he was a lot smaller than he was). He had lymphoma and over the past last week got progressively worse and the heartbreaking decision had to be made to let him move on with dignity. We called the Vet and she came out and we held him, stroked him and loved him as he left this world for the next where his beloved Koffie waited for him. He was my baby boy, my lovely, my heart and I loved him with everything I had. It was especially heartbreaking to lose him so soon after Koffie, it has only been 4 months since we said goodbye to her. We knew he missed her but we had hoped he could go on without her, he was getting better, happier and more playful but I wonder if that was more for our benefit because he didn’t want to see us hurting. I cry every day without fail, I feel his loss so deeply and I still can’t imagine life without him in it. I still leave a bit on my plate for him, I still automatically think it’s time to feed him and I will go into the lounge expecting to see him there. Ok its only been four days and I know it will take longer but my heart feels as though it is dying and I can’t seem to find a smile, anything to keep me joyful. I have many beautiful memories of him, my wonderful boof, he loved strong and he loved well and we gave him the best life we could, he was spoiled no doubt, but he deserved every bit of it. I just want to be able to hug him again, to give him a kiss on his adorable schnozzle, to tell him one more time how much I love him. I am having a hard time surviving the sadness because there is a hole in my heart so large that I can’t even begin to imagine that it will heal. He was loved and his loss is felt so deeply, beyond words.

The next day our cat Bella was feeling his loss, wandering around aimlessly, sitting where his bed used to be, missing him as they were incredibly close. We had planned to get a kitten, picked her out a few weeks ago but we were leaving it for a little while longer, I wasn’t even sure I wanted another pet in the foreseeable future but we had decided as a family that Bella and Conan needed another friend to play with. So we bough the kitten home – I named her Mojo. It suits. However Bella was hardly grateful for the new addition, has avoided her with extreme prejudice since she came here, so I feel like I have betrayed Bella, that I have made her life stressful because she doesn’t want a friend yet. I had hoped that they would connect a lot sooner but alas, it has not happened yet. I’m hopeful as Mojo is a joy; she’s a fun kitten who loves to play and is very affectionate. I think once Bella gets past her territorial issues, she will love her but I’ve never had a kitten before – it can get quite tiring. My brother came to visit on Mother’s Day, he bought his dog with him, it’s a lovely dog, beautiful personality, very friendly but it cut so deep because I kept thinking my Conan should be the one here today, he should be the one getting the ear scratches and pats but he wasn’t and I liked being able to hug another dog but it was also especially hard. Conan had a lot of treats left and so I gave them to my brother for his dog. I’ve never had to divide the assets of a pet before and I broke down, I couldn’t help it, I felt as though I was giving away the last parts of Conan, silly I know because they were only treats but they were his treats. Bagging them up was so hard, letting go so soon after, it can destroy you. I know that they are going to a good place but it doesn’t ease the heartache.

I am so behind on my studies, three assignments on one module, one on another and my holistic therapies courses? I’ve barely continued. I have no motivation, I can barely function right now and I know I have to do the study, especially the TAFE one but I sit in front of my computer and my mind goes blank. I don’t want to think about school work, I don’t want to think at all because thinking leads to feeling and feeling leads to tears. I am crying as I sit here writing this because I don’t know how not to right now. It’s sad that I lack any sort of want to do this because it has been my dream to be a Herbalist for a long time now, and I am doing well in the assignments I’ve done so far – A’s but right now, I can’t even look at them. I just can’t.

I was also getting enthusiastic about re-doing my business; I was researching, and working toward making new products, growing new herbs and just trying things I had never tried before. My enthusiasm there has gone; I can barely put two thoughts together about where to start again. I can’t even find the strength to go outside and clip some rosemary and lavender to make smudge sticks. I want to be motivated again because I was enjoying the challenge of putting it all together but right now getting up in the morning is a challenge because I used to feed Conan in the morning, it was my reason for getting up early…. Now it’s gone.

My spiritual side? Where to begin…. I’m not sure its even there right now. I haven’t been thinking about it, haven’t been acknowledging, I guess I feel it leet me down when I tried so hard to make Conan better, nothing changed, nothing happened. My confidence is shaken and I don’t know if I even trust myself anymore. How come I couldn’t make him better? I’m not arrogant enough to think I could heal his terminal illness but I don’t see why I wasn’t able to give him a little more time. Time to say goodbye, time to love him that little bit more. We all just needed more time.

I’m tired, I’m exhausted, and I’m drained. I sound like I’m throwing myself a pity party. I’m aware of how all of this sounds but I needed to get it out, to write it down. I know some will think ‘he was only a dog’ and I say to those people: You have no heart if that is what you think. Love is love in all its forms.

I’m heartsore and I feel broken. I wonder if I will ever feel whole again.

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