I’m lacking in self honesty, I try to tell myself things that I want to hear and I ignore the truth of what the inner self has to say. I know I do this because it helps me get through the day, I don’t have to take a long hard look at myself if I tell myself what I want to hear. I don’t have to deal with things if I’m telling myself what I want to hear. I’ve always lacked the ability to be hard with myself and now I’m so used to telling myself a lie that when the truth comes along it’s harder to deal with. It’s like holding up a mirror and really seeing instead of looking at the image there.
I’m not happy with who I am, I haven’t been for a long time. I’ve made excuses, gave reasons; not dealing with the fact that I’m not happy, that I feel disconnected from myself. I thought I’d come to terms with it and found a way to keep going. I actually thought I had made progress but I realised, when you’re really not happy with who you are, any progress is superficial because you fall back into old patterns and before you know it, you’re the same person you were with no growth, no maturation and no sense of self. I look at myself, I see some one who has never fully committed to anything in her life, has had her fingers in a lot of different pies and has avoided being an adult and actually attending to the business of getting on with her life and living it. I dream of being a wisewoman (both witch and herbalist) but what do I do instead? Sit on the computer for hours each day and find other ways to amuse myself. I study (which I do love and it brings me a measure of great happiness) but even that has fallen by the wayside, fallen victim to the ‘I’ll get to that later’. Even my businesses are on the ‘later’ pile, which has come to closely resemble the ‘don’t care’ pile. I think that is my greatest sadness, that the things (like my businesses, herbs, reading etc) no longer interest me – I don’t even interest me anymore.
When you’re not happy, it’s amazing how much you can actually give up without even caring. I don’t practice my Craft all that much, I don’t do much herbal stuff, I’m not studying a lot even though I have a shitload of courses I’ve signed up to do (and paid for – not free courses), I’m not sleeping well, I’ve barely cracked open a book lately (those of you who have followed my blog for quite some time know this is unusual for me because I’m a voracious and obsessive reader) and quite frankly, I’m so bored with me that I can’t even begin to describe it. I get emotional over stupid things, and I’m uncomfortable with intimacy because it has been so lacking in my life for a very long time. I can’t handle overly romantic overtures on the television so I change the channel, I wonder if it because I envy the happiness and connectedness I see there. It’s become normal for me to not do anything constructive with my time because it’s so much easier to give up than make an effort. I don’t have any self belief and therein lays my biggest issue I think.
Recently I decided to start changing my life. I started a diet and exercise regime with all intentions of seeing it through for the 30 day duration. I started it, injured myself (stupidly doing more exercise than I am actually physically capable of) and stopped. It was easier to stop and put it in the ‘later’ pile. It’s still sitting there, patiently waiting. I want to do it; I want to get back to caring and taking steps to better myself. Then something happened that kind of changed my whole perspective, and it was a small thing. I got involved with a competition on Facebook (as a donor) – it was a whole bunch of stores getting together to do a giveaway, before that was an auction. I went into with little or no expectation of any success – in fact I really didn’t think I’d do all that well. I did really well, it wasn’t the money side of it because most of the time, the issue of money is neither here nor there for me (I don’t have a lot of it but I still don’t get the obsession our culture has with it, it’s incredibly strange), it was doing the work. I found that the working hard was hard work, but it was the challenge of it. I sold a number of herb kits (of 34 herbs) and I’ve spent the better part of a week bagging up somewhere upwards of 700 75mm by 50mm ziplock bags of herbs. It’s been a long, tiring, trying process that has tested the very bounds of my limits, but it has flicked a switch of some sort within. I can’t describe it, I’m not even sure there is a way to, but somehow it’s ignited a little spark, I think it was the fact that I had to do it, I couldn’t put it in the ‘later’ pile so as tired as I got, as much as I wanted to stop, I couldn’t because it had to be done and by forcing myself to do the work, I realised what could be achieved if I did.
Now I’m coming up with new ideas to try, different recipes for incenses and I’m even considering making candles (although the heat here right now is not particularly conducive to candle making). Another spark was the beautiful Sarah’s really honest post; it made me take a few moments to really think about myself and what I was doing with my life. Her powerful words made me realise that sometimes big steps have to be taken to find my happiness, my joy and my peace. I also received a tarot reading that kind of cut to the heart of what I’ve been doing, it pointed out some things that needed to be pointed out.
I realized that unless I’m happy entirely, I’m never going to achieve true success in any area of my life, whether that be business, weight, love or even something as simple as enjoying each day. I love deeply and I love truly and I’m not some one who is emotionally flaky, I give of myself completely (those who know me, know how devoted I am to those I love - especially my cats cos hey, they’re my babies). But I lost my passion, I lost my drive and I lost my way. I can’t say I lost me because I don’t know that I truly know me yet. I’ve given up almost everything I care about doing because it was easier but somehow sitting up til after 2am in the morning sorting herbs has woken me up. If I want to achieve things I have to stop being so apathetic and find my drive, I have to make the effort and not be afraid of failure and stop turning to giving up because it’s easier. Growing a powerful spiritual path, becoming healthy, finding love, building a business – they all come from hard work, ground work. Thinking about it, sitting back and just letting life pass by achieves nothing.
I need to get past this week and the hectic workload I gave myself. I need to take a moment to breathe, relax and begin to formulate an action plan. I need to create a schedule for myself (because left to my own devices I rarely get anything done) devoting time to all of my pursuits in manageable measures (like my witchcraft, herbalism, study, crafting, blogging more, weight loss etc) so that I get things done otherwise I will fall back into my familiar pattern of sitting on my ass on my computer all day wasting time instead of effectively managing it. It’s time to own up to my failings (and I’m not ashamed to say they are failings) and begin dealing with them in a way that doesn’t overwhelm me and give cause me to give into my desire to give up. I want to be a successful witch, herbalist, writer, and creator of all manner of delights. I want to lose weight (not to give into some unrealistic ideal but because I am overweight and I have enough health issues already without continuing to put on weight) and become a healthier, fitter person. I see the ability to commit to weight loss goals as a way to begin building an ability to commit to other things as well because I think the weight loss and the discipline that goes with it will be very hard and teach me a valuable lesson. I think it will begin helping me within other areas of my life, like my witchcraft because I am quite a lazy, undisciplined witch who doesn’t do much with her path and it’s starting to feel like I’m a witch in name only, I don’t like that feeling and I want to change it, I want to see growth and ability – I’ve not got or had any of that in a very long time. So starting this week I’ll be doing what I should and not putting it off. I’ll be making incenses and kyphi, starting herbal tinctures, beginning a weight loss regime and generally being more active in my life, being a participant instead of a bored observer.
I’m not happy with who I am but I am damn sure going to try my hardest to be.